How do you “gaurd your heart” in your everyday life?
Enjoy this month’s free printable! ScriptureCardsPrintableAPR
“Mom, did you see her high heels?”
A quick glance to the left reveals a small girl wearing high wedge heels.
“They’re pretty. You can have those when you’re older, remember?”
I think the conversation is over but when we get in the van my kindergartener continues.
“Why can’t we have high heels?”
How do I enter this big girl modesty conversation with a little girl who is still entertained by the Berenstain Bears?
Ava is nearly one.
“What would it look like if I put on Ava’s swimsuit?,” I ask her.
“Silly,” she says with a giggle. “It’s for babies.”
“Right,” I reply, thankful for the recognition. “The same is true for high heels. They look appropriate on older girls, so we are going to wait.”
Later my husband and I go on a supper date. As we wait, a group of young teenage girls walks wearing dresses that barely hit their thigh. My heart silently breaks for them and I begin to wonder how much they paid for such little material when my husband stops my thoughts all together.
“Did you SEE how short those dresses were?”
Shock from a father who wants to protect his girls with everything in him.
Days would pass before I find myself sitting in a meeting. A mother fearful for what her small son will face says, “I can’t believe how provocatively girls are dressing these days.” She’s right and clearly not alone in her concern because the very next day I hear it from another mother in a casual setting. “But, you pick your battles,” she sighs.
True.
“I’d rather deal with that than sex.”
And there lies the rub. If we think these issues are mutually exclusive we are deceiving ourselves. Obviously not every tiny girl in adult shoes or young teen in a scantily clad dress will fall to sexual temptation. Nor will the most modest of dressers always stand strong in sexual purity.
But, if we want them to believe that their value comes from God and not their body we must purchase clothes for them that affirm this message.
Six year olds aren’t going to Target on their own to buy their own high heels or the somewhat risqué underwear that seems to have infiltrated the girls section. Neither are eight to ten year olds driving themselves to Abercrombie to purchase last season’s padded top bikinis.
We parents are.
And, while young teenagers may be pulling in an income they choose to use on short shorts, tightly fitted tops, and practically non-existent dresses, we sometimes fail to require exercising the return policy and instead nervously watch them exit the front door.
Our girls are growing up in a society that pushes them to dress older than their years. And, what may start out as innocent fun – like “big girl” high heels for everyday life – turns in to a definition of who they are. The shoes fast forward the childhood look. Padded bikinis place new emphasis on their body and they begin to define beauty by their form. New awareness of this has them asking for short shorts and tops leaving little to the imagination because it will turn their male counterparts heads (although unhealthy) and soon they are asked to the dance not because of their character but their curves.
This is a set up for parental nightmares.
If we honestly pray for our girls “not to awaken love until the time is right” (Song of Solomon 8:4) we must help our girls grow to understand modest beauty. God didn’t entrust these precious girls to us to be pushovers in a culture falling away from the Word. Priscilla Shirer writes,
“You and I are the mechanisms God has put in place to keep today’s corrupting systems of thought from taking root and then taking effect in the hearts of our children. You are in the position to intervene. You, sister, have been placed specifically in your children’s lives to make them rebel against a culture that’s telling them to rebel against you.”
Our job isn’t to win a popularity contest in their eyes or to ensure that they aren’t the only one failing to rock the current trend. Our job is to make sure they understand God’s love for them and Scriptural beauty so that they grow in integrity to be the one standing for Him.
Better self esteem, more confidence, healthier relationships, stronger future marriages, and a vibrant living faith is sure to follow.
And isn’t that what we all want?
{Priscilla Shirer quote from The Resolution for Women}
The splash of cold water surprised me as I was lost in the suds of my thinking.
“God, how can I get through to these girls I mentor and my own daughters about the truth of their worth in Christ and their incredible beauty when I don’t even get it myself? Lord, teach me. Help me to understand.”
Still muttering to the Lord, I grabbed the towel to dry my face, catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror. For the first time, I didn’t see what others have said. I didn’t see my father’s face. I didn’t notice the size of my nose or my imperfect complexion. Instead, a chocolate brown eyed woman settled into her own skin stared me down. There I was, stunning as ever, soap suds caught in my widow’s peak with wet bangs pushed awry.
But it was me.
Finally me.
A woman learning to let God enter every corner of her life.
A woman in pursuit of eternal worth.
A woman becoming brighter, more beautiful, more like Him (2 Corinthians 3:16-18 MSG).
***
Nearly thirty years ago I discovered my first imperfections. With a poke in the gut by my overly-weight conscious uncle, I labeled myself as fat. An inquisitive peer asking about the white spots on my teeth (ah-hem, calcium deposits totally out of my control) sowed in vow to not smile when people were looking at me. Later the size the of the pores on my face (quite normal for an Italian-Jewish girl) came under peer scrutiny, which drove me to never leave the house without a layer of foundation. As though the bondage of those lies were not enough, I was then betrayed by a elementary school boyfriend publicly teasing me about the size of my nose. I spent the next ten years hanging my head low, enabling my long locks to drape across my face. I wanted to be anyone but me.
I know I am not alone in my struggle to emerge out from the sometimes innocent yet nonetheless hurtful comments of others — adults and peers alike. For decades, I kept my secrets hidden and made my hiding part of my routine. But raising daughters and mentoring teens forces issues out into the light. Hypocrisy does that as well. How could I tell girls — mine and others — that they are beautiful even when that is not what I believed about myself. I wrestled with God time and time again, until He finally gave me new eyes to see myself.
Ephesians 1:18
“I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that
you may know the hope to which he has called you…”
Instead of changing what I hated on the outside, God slowly and carefully changed what I saw in the mirror as He spoke Truth to my heart through the Word. Years of seeking Him in the Scriptures and prayer, wrestling through my beliefs, discovering my G0d-given gifts and talents, reconciling my sin and weakness, moved me from a life of disappointment and self-condemnation and into a place of acceptance where I could see more than just my skin. God brought me to a place of wholeness, enabling me to dwell in the skin I’m in, knowing that I am truly a mess rendered beautiful by God’s grace, and perfectly designed to be used for His glory. The emphasis on how I looked has been replaced with a focus on how I live.
***
Coming to terms with my life-long, warped and deformed defining of beauty was really the first step in redefining it for my daughters and the girls I mentor. For years, much of my focus on their appearance was prompted by fear of them getting hurt. I wanted to protect my girls from the comments I endured, which led me to being overly focused on their appearance, even in the form of paying compliments to affirm their beauty instead of noticing the more significant details of their lives.
I know I am not alone. I know other wounded moms striving to protect their daughters from pain they endured. But, friends, we can’t protect our daughters from pain. As God has slowly and carefully revealed to me, our call as moms is to receive them with His love and to extend to them His grace. Moms, we’re not warriors set out to slay the wicked dragons from our daughter’s life. Yes, we’d like to see ourselves that way, and we ought to do our best to provide safe-havens for them in what we allow into our homes. However, we can not guard them from the influences of others comments and the impact of the culture forever. We can, however, be a source of love, wisdom, training, and guidance.
The best thing we can do for our daughters is impact them with the Truth by immersing them in the Word and demonstrate for them a life of faith lived in the counsel of the Holy Spirit. Our biggest investment of time should be washing them with Scripture day and night, speaking His love and grace into their lives, revealing to them how to respond to the Spirits prompting, all the while keeping healthy boundaries on temptations and cultivating consistent character-focused living. We need to teach our daughters that beauty is defined by Whose we are and how we live in our God-given skin.
BEAUTY IS ABOUT
authenticity not applause
character not cosmetics
thoughtfulness not thinness
modesty not modeling
purity not perfection
kindness not keeping up
reality not running away
wisdom not wildness
servanthood not sexiness
influence not imitation
unmasking not masking
being you not being theirs
So, moms, are we impacting our daughters with these truth? Are we modeling this facts in our actions? Are we challenging them to live beautiful lives through evaluating their emotional, physical, and spiritual reflection? Consider these practical ways to redefine beauty, one little step and one shift in thinking one moment at a time:
In My Heart & Mind
How am I defining beauty today?
Is this consistent with Scripture?
Am I hiding my real feelings about myself, my worth, my beauty from God?
Am I trying to fit in? Stand out?
Seek approval? Gain affirmation?
Am I being too easily influenced by the opinions of others?
Am I compromising who God made me to be?
In My Physical Appearance
Is my appearance consistent in what I say I believe and how I want to live?
Is my clothing reflecting my personality?
Is my clothing sending a mixed message?
Am I dressed sloppy because I feel sloppy?
Is my clothing drawing attention to my body because I need some love?
Am I communicating a God-honoring message in my t-shirt slogan and jewelry?
In My Designer 3:12 clothing?
The most important “clothing” to put on is found in Colossians 3:12.
Chosen – your true identity in Christ
Holy – being set apart by God
Loved – by God as demonstrated by His Son…on the Cross
Compassion – find a practical way to demonstrate this with others
Kindness – reach out to the lonely friend in your life today
Humility – be quick to admit a mistake
Gentleness – consider your words and actions carefully
Patience – take a deep breath in that frustrating moment
Forgiveness – release an offense to God and release the person, too
Love – in action and words with others
Unity – get “self” out of the way for the sake of others
We cannot make it our mission to raise beautiful daughters confident in their appearance, even though there is a place in God’s creation to appreciate and cultivate beauty. Their external beauty can change in a moment and the things of this world that enable them to make themselves feel beautiful may one day be inaccessible. Instead, our purpose is to impact our girls with the reality of their holy status as a daughter of the Most High King. In the core of their being, they need to know who they are in Christ. Do they? Do you?
Moms, are you willing to join the movement of redefining beauty with your daughters today?
May I challenge you to make the most of the Redefining Beauty resources by going through them with your daughters and even their friends. There is no time like the present to step into significant mentoring roles with the next generation. They don’t need perfect Christian women. They simply need you, with a willing and humble heart, committed to sharing relevant truth as you depend on Christ to accomplish His work in you, through you, and for them. We have all the resources you need to get started at www.moretobe.com, including a free download of the checklist shared above. And until April 30th, all More to Be subscribers will able to download the Redefining Beauty Dig Deep Guide for FREE!
Reflection Questions:
Thank you for joining us in this series on Redefining Beauty series. To go deeper into this journey and to spread the word, download the Redefining Beauty resources at http://www.moretobe.com/redefining-beauty/ and make the most of mentoring resources at www.moretobe.com.
Did you do it, did you do it? Piper and I did and were incredibly blessed by our experience!
Last week I encouraged you to not get too caught up in the “details” of the date. Don’t get me wrong, they can be important and definitely serve a specific purpose. But if you’re a type-A and have perfectionist tendencies, I’d much rather you focus on the purpose of the date, than the details of the date.
As for me? I’m keepin’ it real with you! I have four girls, we’re new{ish} to our area, and I knew I wouldn’t have a lot of extra time for this date. Rather than get discouraged, I improvised and made it work for us.
Let me share …
I decided we’d go to Starbucks for our favorite drinks. I know my Piper embarrasses easily and wouldn’t be comfortable with people sitting around us, possibly hearing our conversation {gasp!} or watching what I pulled out of my bag o’ goodies.
I chose a Starbucks in our outdoor mall, which allowed us to walk to a private outdoor park bench for our date. It turned out to be the perfect place!
There were three stages to our first date:
I keep our fine china in a special cabinet in the house. It’s special, valuable, and set apart from the rest of the dishes in the house. We talked about how God sees us this way too, how He values us and wants us to keep ourselves set apart from the rest of the world.
Then we talked about the everyday average mug and how it’s just thrown into the cabinet with all the other mugs and dishes. There’s nothing too special about it. It’s average and ordinary.
Then we talked about the plastic cup. How it’s disposable and trashable. As Dannah suggested, we talked about how, as ladies, we could keep ourselves from being perceived as “trashable.”
We ended the “object lesson” by talking about how God created us and values us as fine china. How we’re beautiful in His eyes and He wants us to keep ourselves set apart.
I saw a light in my sweet girl’s eyes … like she really got it. Honestly, it was an experience we haven’t had together and it was beautiful.
We ended our date with the “girl gab” pages. Piper and I were excited to go through them. We thoughtfully worked through each question and then went over our answers together. It was eye-opening to see some of her answers and hear her thoughts on them. In turn, it was rewarding to share my answers with her and see a genuine interest from her in what I had to say. We promised to help keep each other accountable and finished our date in prayer.
I’m so thankful for Dannah’s wisdom, insight, guide, and encouragement through this resource. And I can’t wait ’til my next great date with Piper!
I love this note Dannah sent to encourage us all …
“One of the best things we as moms can do for our girls is to spend time with them—lots of time. Your daughter faces a daily battle against a culture that is pushing her to grow up too fast and you are a prime influence in the direction she takes in life. So, moms, I commend you for making these dates with your daughter a priority in your life and I encourage you to stay the course. You are making an eternal difference in the life of your precious girl!”
Alright moms … it’s your turn … we’d love to hear from you! We encourage you to link up below, or leave a comment telling us how your great date went with your sweet girl!
Forks clanked noisily to their plates as bare feet scampered across the floor and out the door, their mouths too full with food to squeal.
The moment we’d been awaiting for 10 days finally happened.
The nest we’d been fostering, unknowingly for some time, now housed a family. The incubation period was over, our robin’s eggs had hatched!
I watched the flesh stretched across these nascent babies wrinkle as their mouths released yawns their eyes couldn’t yet see. They were as small as my finger, some only hours old. They nestled, flesh against flesh, as if the shells that contained their frames never existed.
Their world was one I’d never stopped to consider.
My children marveled at a sight that was a first for their mommy, too, and the rest of our dinnertime chatter was consumed by animations of this new little flock.
“Oh, guys, we couldn’t feed them even if we found worms,” counseled Eden. “Their mommy, I’m sure, wants to be the one to find them food.”
They imagined a world for these ones — who God considers, but most all of us overlook — and I dropped tears on the table.
This night, I was child again.
And His creation cried out.
My counters had bags and piles and lists, preparations for the trip we were taking. I was in “the chute”: the eve before our trusty suburban would wear more miles and bear the burden of our stuff, compiled. No time for stopping now.
But my Father has a way of speaking softly in my loud moments. Your days were made to receive me and I made you to teach them to receive me.
Their years of wonder tick away against the stop-watch our culture seeks to imprint on our daughters, through us. And the second-hand smoke seems harmless until we have older ones facing our very same dilemma: where do you go to find beauty?
In the days before they can read His Word for themselves, there’s a creation proclaiming His name. Bird eggs and butterflies and earth worms all speak of their Maker. His world between our front door and our car door is swollen with beauty. Even the rocks do cry out.
For me — one whose adult years have been filled with replacing old and rotting perspectives on God and beauty with the truth of His Word and His whisper — stopping to see His hand in life’s quiet stillness is still very much a new habit. I’m learning to ride this bike, leaning on training wheels.
I’m learning to marvel.
And I want to teach her while I go, though she may be only one step behind me, her with fresh clay.
What if the carved-out space I made for her — when life didn’t include a barrage of media and messaging — was His secret garden for her, the place to find Him? What if grass-stained feet and fingernails full of earth were signs of her, early, place of communion? Might she later search for beauty in what He made and not in what she wears?
What they take sips of, now, in their younger years, they will gulp when their taste-buds develop. Even babes can learn to crave.
I’m not an “outdoors” kind of girl — usually. But, I want to bring the car to a screeching halt when I spot a bald eagle, overhead, and adore my Creator, who made this too. I want to open the windows wide on a day full of tasks and stop as often as the breeze tussles my lists to praise Him. I want to inhale, Him.
One day, even just one day, is fraught with the love of the G0d-Man who made Himself Daddy to us. I never have to grow out of being a child under His star-spangled sky.
I want to invite them to live, eyes-opened, to His beauty during their wonder years. I them to know the thrill of the God-Man, not just His shadow reflected in the culture around us.
I want them to want to stare deeply, into Him, to find beauty.
But not without me.
I’m desperate to know for myself the holy mystery that’s birthed in life’s pauses.
I’m boldly claiming today that even the still, small whisper of Him can be laced throughout my bursting-at-the-seams years.
If you, too, want this for yourself and for those bare feet down the hall, might I suggest you pull-up, breathe, and:
1) ask Him to give you one or two practical ways to pause and look up (or out … your window), to worship Him, in the midst of your day. Commit to those for one month, because a habit calcifies after 30 days.
2) ask Him give you one or two practical ways to send her heart exploring Him and searching out His beauty, outside your front door. Seek to replace one of her modern daily pursuits, which isn’t bearing heart-fruit, with a suggestion of His.
3) and pray the prayer that brings us low and lifts our hearts high: Jesus, I barely know you. Show me more of Yourself.
Second photo compliments of Mandie Joy.
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