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A couple of years ago I had the opportunity to review Friendship for Grown-Ups by Lisa Whelchel.    As part of the review, Thomas Nelson generously offered me the chance for a 15-minute interview with the “Facts of Life” star.   She said something in that interview that has become a foundation for my view on friendship and how I teach my daughter about making and being a good friend.

One of the greatest gifts we give a friend is the benefit of the doubt.

What a powerful truth!  When we step back from the emotion of a situation and consider the whole of a person’s character and behavior, it can (and often does!) radically change how we respond in a difficult situation.

For my daughter, we’ve used this standard time and again in navigating the often tricky world of tween friendships.  Thankfully, my daughter has a core of wonderful friends.  But, there are times when even wonderful friends say or do something that wounds.  In fact, sometimes it’s my girl who does the wounding.  

We’ve learned a few lessons in the past few years about managing friendships among tween girls … and honestly, they are valuable lessons for moms attempting to mange their own friendships as well.

1. Choose to believe the best about a person.   It’s so much easier to believe the worst but much more like Jesus to see the good.
2. Stay out of someone else’s business.  Seriously, this one should go without saying … but it can’t.  Recently my daughter found herself on the outs with one of her best friends.  Why?  Because she got into a situation that had nothing to do with her.
3. Apologize when you’re wrong … and then give the person you’ve wronged the opportunity to forgive.  It’s a tough lesson to learn that forgiveness isn’t automatic and even when we are forgiven, there are often consequences for our actions that remain.  Giving another person space to process and respond is hard but necessary.
4. Always consider the WHOLE situation, not just your small part.  Sometimes our girls have a hard time seeing beyond their own hurt feelings.  We need to teach them to look at the bigger picture and guide them to consider all the factors involved.
5. Pray.  When a difficult relationship finds its way into my girl’s life, we pray.  Not just for the other person but also we pray for her to have wisdom and insight.
6. Give the benefit of the doubt.  I’ve come back to this so many times in my own life and taught my daughter to operate from this standard in her own.   We want to receive the benefit of the doubt from others and we give our girls a great gift when we teach them to offer that in the relationships in their own lives as well.

Helping our girls weave their way through the maze of friendships can be one of the most challenging parts of mothering.  I think it’s because we have such a difficult time doing that same thing ourselves.  

Moms, will you teach your girls to offer others the benefit of the doubt?

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I was getting ready to play a math game with three of my students in school. Two of the girls shouted out that they wanted to be the color red. I had them shake the dice to see who got to pick their color first. The girl that had the highest roll picked red. The second girl thought I wasn’t looking but I looked up just in time to see her mouth to the girl that won the toss, “You are not my friend.”

I stopped the game right there and called her out. I explained to the girls how silly it was to argue over a color for the game and how inappropriate it was to say she was not her friend.

Today I saw a whole conversation on Facebook about how kids are more mean today than they used to be. I have to disagree. Watching this little 9 year old girl in school took me right back to when I was in school. Kids have always been mean. I will admit, I have been on both sides. There were times that I caused the hurt and believe me, I have felt the hurt. I don’t think that it hurt any less when I was a kid.

The difference now is in the delivery method. When I was in school mean comments had to be said face to face or written in a note. Today it is much faster with the click of a send button on a cell phone or a quick comment on Facebook.

So how do we handle it as moms? How do we teach our kids to be good friends?

I asked my 11-year old daughter the questions, “What do you think it takes to be a good friend?” This is what she said.

• Honesty
• Fun to be around, not bossy
• Understanding

“How do you handle situations that get sticky with friends?”

• Try to figure out a way to work it out.

We have had a lot of conversations about what it means to be a good friend. What was interesting to me was her immediate response to the second question. There have been many times that my daughters have gotten into situations with their friends that I really want to step in and work things out for them.

I think it is really important to know when it is time to step in because your daughter may be in a situation that cannot be worked out. However, I have found out the hard way that it is really important for my daughters to figure out a way to work it out, too.

As moms, we can’t fix everything. There are always two sides to every story and our daughters are not always the ones on the hurt side. Sometimes our daughters are the ones causing the hurt. The best opportunity we have with our daughters is to be observant of their actions, find teachable moments and lead by example everyday with our own friends.

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Congratulations to Shonda for winning the Yancy CD! Special thanks to Yancy for the sweet video and song. Love her heart for music and blessing our families! To learn more about Yancy, check out her website!

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She leans her head against the window of the passenger side door.  ”I don’t want to go.”  Tears well up in her hazel eyes, I ask why and she tries to hide behind, “I don’t feel well.”

Only you know mama.
So ask questions.
Stay engaged.
But above all, pray and pray some more.
And, while your at it, tuck this promise in your heart:

And if, in the process, any of you does not know how to meet any particular problem he has only to ask God—who gives generously to all men without making them feel foolish or guilty—and he may be quite sure that the necessary wisdom will be given him.
James 1:5, Phillips Translation

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I used to be a mean girl and a frenemy. I have been in the “in” crowd. I have been out of the “in” crowd, and I have desperately fought to hold one foot “in”, even when I wasn’t wanted.  There is so much to say about BFF’s and frenemies…..I hardly know where to start! I suppose the best place would be to point out what the difference between the two is.

A BFF:

Encourages you

Tells you the truth (for your good, not to hurt you)

Believes the things you say

Sticks up for you

Forgives you

Doesn’t ask you to choose between them and another friend

Does things you want to do sometimes

Pushes you to do the right thing, even when it is hard

Sits with you at lunch when no one else will

A Frenemy/Mean Girl:

Acts kindly towards you only when they can benefit from knowing you

Pushes you to do the wrong thing

Gives back handed compliments that cast themselves in a good light

Can’t bear for you to hang out with someone else

Lies to you

Thinks you are lying to them

Holds grudges

Frenemies can come at totally unsuspecting times, and can seem great for a moment. They might be totally into hanging out with your daughter, but as soon as that is inconvenient for their agenda, will quickly ditch her.  As a mom, I have really struggled with teaching my girls how to handle “friends” like these. My protective side is screaming, “Stay away from them!!”, while the part of me who knows what it is like to be one of those girls knows how important a true friend can be.

You see, as a mean girl I was:

lonely

insecure

the child of two very emotionally unhealthy, addicted parents

fighting to survive

desperate for attention

totally broken and alone in the world……with no HOPE!

And so I did what I had to do to nice girls to get what I thought I needed.  But every time I ended up hurt, and usually hurting someone else. Until God brought some amazing godly young men and women into my life. They were patient, kind, and didn’t get too flustered by my ways.  Then God saved me, and made me new.  I didn’t have to be that girl any more, I could survive, and be secure in the love I had from being His child.  He slowly taught me how to be a true BFF, and gave me some really sweet girls as friends in return.

So, when my daughters comes home from school talking about some mean girl, my first instinct is to tell her to stay away from that girl.  But then a little voice inside of me whispers “your daughter might be the only example of love that girl ever gets to see”.  Then we pray together, for that girl.  We talk about how to guard our hearts, while being kind and reaching out. Sometimes my girls get hurt, but sometimes there are tiny little breakthroughs in the mean girls.  But the outcome is God’s deal not ours.  Our only job is to show love, even to those who it is hard to show love to.They are usually the ones who need it the most!

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Welcome to the MODsquad Cafe – a place for us to hang out, chat in the comments and today listen to the fun musical stylings of Yancy (not Nancy). I first heard of Yancy a few years ago when she sang for the kids of our church.  My girls loved her!  Imagine our delight when last year at the Relevant Blogging Conference, I came home with one of her CD’s.  My girls love to sing along with Yancy, and I love the music because it is straight from God’s Word and encourages their (and my) hearts.

Recently, my friend Amanda from Impress Your Kids asked if MODsquad would like to host Yancy for a blog tour featuring her latest CD for preschoolers called “Little Praise Party.”  The fun part is that Yancy is recording a song just for us from the CD. We chose to have her sing the song “Love One Another” because we thought it went nicely with our month long focus on friendship and what to do when things aren’t so friendly between girls.

So give a warm MODsquad welcome to Yancy!

I love how music can change hearts and turn eyes toward Jesus.  I know that in our home, music plays an important role in keeping us singing all day long!  Now for the fun part!  One blessed MODsquad Mom is going to get a free Little Praise Party CD of her very own.  All you have to do is leave a comment and tell us when and where you love listening to music!  We will pick a winner at random and announce it next week. Contest is open until Sunday May 6!

To purchase a CD of your own from Nancy you can visit her website, by clicking the button below:

Blog Tour Dates:

Monday April 30
Impress Your Kids

Tuesday May 1
Mama Hall

Wednesday May 2
God Centered Mom

Thursday May 3
Homeschool Creations

Friday May 4
ModSquad

Saturday May 5
When You Rise

Sunday May 6
4tunate

Monday May 7
Inspired To Action

Tuesday May 8
Home With the Boys

Wednesday May 9
1+1+1=1

Thursday May 10
Muthering Heights

Friday May 11
MOB Society

Saturday May 12
I Can Teach My Child

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In a corner I hid by myself as I faintly heard the countdown, “3…2….1….ready or not here I come.” Quietly and anxiously I waited for what seemed like an eternity. Impatiently, I crawled out from the closet to discover my two friends giggling amongst each other. And right then, I knew I was the third wheel. The odd girl out. The one left behind – to hide in the dark by myself.

At the young age of seven, I didn’t have the sensibility to know what the “inner” crowd was. I simply knew at Laila’s birthday party I didn’t belong and I was no longer a close friend to Jan like I thought. Within ten minutes of hide-and-go-seek, they had become best friends while I was left by the wayside.

This distant memory came into the forefront of my mind as my youngest daughter recently endured the same circumstance of being the third in a trio of girls that loves each other one minute, while excluding and ridiculing the next.

It’s impossible to be invited to every party, best friends with every girl in school or hear every whispered secret. However, when a pattern of behavior consistently left my daughter on the outskirts, I relived the hurt of being excluded.

I’m still learning how to deal with this as a mom, but here’s a few things helping us navigate the tough road of friendships.

Pray for Her

I will never under estimate the value of prayer in my daughter’s life. My daughter needs me to pray for her. She contends on battlefield, albeit a small tug-o-war on the blacktop, but it is a world that is hard and complex to navigate. Our daughters need us to stand in the gap for them.

Pray With Her

Every so often I get a glimpse into the heart of my girl. And it’s not when she’s loudly vying for my attention. Rather it’s in the soft glow of moonlight as we pray ourselves to sleep. She shares concerns with Jesus and I echo them in quiet utterances.

Unlike on the playground, our prayer time becomes a safe haven for my daughter where she knows she belongs and is known, not just by me, but more importantly by the One who created her.

Value the Feelings

As a mom, I must take time to validate and acknowledge the hurt and pain of my daughter. That pain may be displaced, over reactive or based on misunderstandings – but the pain is real and in order to move forward, I must acknowledge the hurts of my girl.

Value the Truth

I am constantly telling my daughters to believe what is true and not believe lies. Helping my daughter wade through the truth and lies in any given situation will help her learn how to have appropriate responses.

In my daughter’s case, she had to understand the part she contributed in her friendship. By asking questions about what would happen before her friends excluded her, one thing I learned was she would whine when her friends wouldn’t play what she wanted. This was also a problem at home, so helping her identify that behavior was important so she could understand the consequence.

In another instance, the exclusion was unwarranted and belittling. Our daughters need to be friends with girls who lift them up, not tear them down. Ones who encourage them, not discourage. We discuss this often, putting behaviors and tones to identify what it means to be encouraging or not. Often we want our girls to sing “Kumbaya” and call it a day, but they need to learn to stand up for themselves when they aren’t treated right. It’s okay to say, “I need a break.” Or “I don’t want to play this because it’s unfair.”

Build A Support Network

Getting to know other moms and fostering new friendships with classmates outside of school has been one of the keys to combatting exclusion. When my daughter knows that she doesn’t always have to play with the same friends that have a tendency to bring her down, she is empowered to make choices. And when two of her friends want to play hopscotch, she can play with her other friends at the tetherball court.

Show Her Who She Really Is

God has given us the blueprint to teach our daughters about who they are. His Word tells of His wooing in the desert, adoration through song and tenderness in His care. This must be the foundation of our conversations. Our daughters need to hear the voice of God speaking into their lives and often that voice sounds a lot like mom’s.

We are God’s vessel to be filled with His goodness and poured out into the lives of our daughters. May His truth about who our girls are in Christ always overflow into their lives, knowing His Word never goes void. In His presence they are never tossed aside, excluded or rejected. My prayer is that God’s presence would be more and more real to my daughters each day.

How do you encourage your daughter when she feels left out?

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Coming this month on MODsquad Blog:

We’ll talk about friends.

Enemies.

Love.

The drama.

And, yes, mean girls.

Let’s go there together.  And bathe it in 1 Corinthians 13.

Come back tomorrow for our first post!

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Do you crave God’s Word but have trouble finding how to hide it in your heart? Are you hungry for encouragement and looking for simple ways to make Scripture visible in your home?  Have you seen the sweetest devotional around by Carey Bailey?  Listen to what she said about her life as a mom:

“When I became a mom I lost my God time,” says Carey Bailey. “I couldn’t figure out how to fit it in, since everything but that time was a priority. So I made note cards that I set around my house with scriptures written on them. Even when my arms were too full of babies, laundry, and diapers to pick up a Bible, I could easily read God’s words of encouragement that I was starving for”

And Cravings–The Devotional was born.  What is Cravings? 

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Celebrate with Carey by entering her Minute-for-Mom Giveaway!

Enter Today – 4/23-5/12!

One grand prize winner will receive:

• $50 gift card to Erin Condren Shop (Your one-stop-shop for all things awesome!)
• $50 gift card to Victoria’s Secret® (For something pretty.)
• $25 gift card to Bath & Body Works® (For a little spa treatment.)
• 2 Sets of Cravings – The Devotional (For you and a friend.)
• Scentsy Plug In and 2 Bars (A lovely scent for your space.)

Hurry, the giveaway ends on 5/12/12. The winner will be announced 5/14/12 on Carey’s blog! (NOTE: This is NOT a MODsquad Blog Giveaway)

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Just click one of the icons below to enter! Tell your friends about Carey’s giveaway on FACEBOOK or TWITTER and increase your chances of winning.

Full disclosure: Carey provided MODSquadblog with one copy of Cravings, The Devotional for the purpose of review.

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