While looking for a particular piece of information from my review of Dr. Dobson’s book, Bringing Up Girls, I decided to share all of the following with you again. Each point is so very important, I think it bears repeating … and repeating … and sharing … and repeating.
These points are taken from Chapter 19 – Bullies, Buddies, and Best Friends:
~ Every parent has reason to be concerned today about the rise in violence among teen girls.
~ Unlike boys, girls bully relationally by backstabbing, harassing, name-calling, isolating, spreading rumors and lies, and just being nasty.
~ Approximately one in three students is either a perpetrator or a target of bullying, but every student is touched by it in one way or another.
~ According to the National Education Association, more than 160,000 children stay home from school every day because of fear of intimidation!!!! {exclamation points mine}
~ Sadly, harassment often begins in early childhood, when they are least able to deal with it.
~ The implications for naturally fearful and shy girls are highly significant. As they grow older, some will develop ulcers, eating disorders, and depression.
~ Harassment doesn’t usually result in death, but something does begin to die inside these girls and boys.
Two last things I think are important to note:
- Dr. Dobson states that the argument, “kids will be kids – adults should stay out of the conflict and let the children settle things for themselves,” is allowing adults to become enablers. “Let me say it clearly: I consider it child abuse for an adult to stand by passively while a defenseless boy or girl is assaulted by peers, physically or emotionally. The damage inflicted in those moments can reverberate for a lifetime.”
- Dr. Dobson also states … This is an individual decision for each family to make, but you can’t just sit idly by and watch your child go down for the count. There might come a time to get them out of it. You have to be prepared to do whatever is necessary to preserve their tender spirits. It might make sense to sit them down … let them know you’re on their team and will do anything you can to help. This may mean going to another school or even moving. When Dr. Dobson was sixteen, his parents moved the family seven hundred miles away to give him a new start. “My mom and dad cared enough about me to help me land on my feet.”
Personally, I’ve walked through two seasons of relational aggression with my girls. I learned the hard way the first time, which made me better equipped when it happened again to another daughter. I hope you’ll take the time to listen as I share our story.
I know as a busy mom your time is valuable, so I appreciate you taking the time to listen and I look forward to connecting with you!
6 Comments
Tracie. I loved hearing about your personal stories related to this.
In 7th grade I was having issues at the middle school I went to, and essentially I almost stopped wanting to/going to school altogether due to fear. I begged my parents to move or send me to a different school. They had recently divorced so they really didn’t have the money at all, but my mom did everything she could and did send me to the local private (Catholic) middle school. Ulitimately, it was not for me. But it certainly got my parent’s attention and I think it got my parents thinking outside the box because it was a very emotional/anxious time in my life.
Having two girls, this specific issue is one of my BIGGEST fears in the future. I know I am worried about things I have no control of at this point, but as my 5 year old gets ready to start Kindergarten in the Fall I can’t help it. I need to read this book and prepare, because I guess the odds are that at least one of my girls will be in a situation like this at least once during their school years.
Thank you.
jen, i love that your mom listened to you and made a hard choice to give you a better opportunity! also, at the end of this series, we’re putting together a list of resources to help with friendships, bullying, etc. so stay tuned for that!
tracie @ {tsj} photography recently posted..radical choice & sacrifice
My son was bullied last year. We didn’t realize exactly what had been happening till it all came to kind of a breaking point with him. He kept most of it bottled in, and what he did let us in on, we didn’t know whether it was “normal” kid growing up stuff or stuff that we should have looked at closer until it was obviously too late.
We went in and talked to the principal (his teacher was out the week that it all exploded plus I was so upset that I went straight to the top). This was her first year there, and she had spent the year letting everyone know that this was now her school and not the old principal’s school anymore. So she assured us that this was not going to continue in HER school. She would look into things and get back with us. Well this just happened to be the day before the big spring festival at school, and all she was concerned with was making it successful because it was a major fundraiser. We never heard another word, email, letter, phone message or anything from her. Needless to say things got worse.
Long story short, his teacher and I talked and got the assistant principal involved. She dealt with things but it got worse before it got any better. Never heard another word out of the principal. I would have thought that the assistant principal would have had to let her in on what had been happening and that she would have realized she forgot about us, but NO!!!!!
Well, I am now homeschooling my son; he never went back. He was in a magnet school that had a no bullying policy. Didn’t do much good. Everyone thinks that I am nuts for taking him out. It has been very hard on us and is a day by day struggle. Completely new territory to us and so forth, but I believe it is what is best for my son. I actually wish I had homeschooled both my sons from the beginning.
stephanie, thank you for sharing your story. our situations sound a bit similar. the school my older daughter was in CLAIMED to have a zero tolerance policy. but when it came down to it, they didn’t make changes that could have pulled her out of the situation. in fact, they suggested i homeschool her, or send her to boarding school. i completely understand how frustrating it can be to have trust in an administration that is responsible for your child during the day and see no action taking place.
i commend you for making the hard decision to homeschool your son.
i know how difficult it can be to suddenly find yourself homeschooling an older child, such foreign territory. and while my older daughter still struggles with some self-esteem and confidence issues, i’ve never regretted our decision. in the end, it’s been the best thing for her.
i don’t know how long you’ve been homeschooling, but they say it takes a year to figure things out and get your feet wet … i found that to be true. i’ve also found many blessings in homeschooling. i’ve been able to pour back into her heart what had been taken out of it. that wouldn’t have happened had she stayed in her environment.
praying for you friend …
tracie @ {tsj} photography recently posted..radical choice & sacrifice
Thank you for sharing your story! We are trying to decide what to do with my oldest next year. She struggles a lot with shyness and she doesn’t feel like she can speak up. She had some bullying at the beginning of the year. The issues were addressed with the administrations help. However, she seems to still have struggles with all of the kids there that are a distraction in class. Even though we have many friends that homeschool, the idea of homeschooling scares me. Our school choices are limited and I believe that at some point I will need to bring her home. She is so sensitive and just takes so much to heart. I cannot imagine what middle school would be like for her on a daily basis. She is just finishing second grade this year. I would appreciate any advice that you could share as you made your decision about whether you should homeschool. Thank you.
hello christie! thank you for sharing your heart. oh if only we could protect and shelter our girls from all the ugly in the world!!
it was SO hard to decide to homeschool. i just continued to pay attention to my girl’s heart and how much she could bear. i was so not quick to jump into the homeschooling decision. i really didn’t want to homeschool! i have 3 other girls and they’re still in a traditional school. i’m all for a traditional school if it works. but my girl is also shy and sensitive and it just came down to needing to protect her. and the ability to build her up and strengthen her at home, instead of sending her to the lions each day … it was ultimately what was the final decision for us.
and now … she’s stronger and more confident and she’s actually talking about wanting to go back into a tradition school for her senior year. so we’ll see.
i hope this is helpful!! please don’t hesitate to contact me if i can help further!! i know what a struggle it is to see your girl hurting and wanting to do all you can for her!!