Teaching Them to See-Godly Friendships

My daughter got in the car today and talked about a strained friendship for about 10 minutes!  In all actuality, it isn’t really strained, and the gravity of today’s situation is really pretty small. But to a 12 year old, a rift between friends can seem like the end of the world.

Being a girl can be hard, but being friends with other girls is often times even harder.  Girls tend to live out of their insecurities when relating to one another, and we can end up doing more damage to other girls than we realize.  However, I believe that godly friendships are truly invaluable. In my life, they have been a provision of the Father’s grace in so many ways, I could never begin to count them all!

So how do we teach our girls to be and choose friends who are life giving?  How do we teach them to build up instead of tear down? How do we help them to work out their conflict with their friends, to not take things personally, to forgive?

Teach them who they are in Christ.  If our daughters know that in Christ they have every spiritual blessing, that they are loved completely and unconditionally, and they are accepted based on Christ’s work, not their own, then they will have a greater freedom to love those around them. They will seek to have their needs met in Christ, not in their friendships, thus giving their friends greater freedom as well!

Teach them to communicate directly but lovingly.  There have been so many times I just wanted to call up the mom of one of my daughter’s friends, and talk through whatever problems there might be in order to make everything better for my girl. But God has equipped my girls to be godly friends, so I need to give them the opportunity to do just that.  Friendships require trust, honesty and gentleness.  If we would only learn to tell one another when we our feelings have been hurt, instead of holding onto that hurt until it grows deep roots of bitterness, then our friendships might look radically different.  So, instead of calling that mom, I encourage my daughter to gently speak to her friends.  Tell them what is on her mind and heart, and ask them if there is any offense she needs to seek forgiveness for.  A true friend desires unity and is willing to put their pride aside in order to maintain it!

Teach them about the grievous sin that was forgiven in their lives.  If we are to forgive as the Father has forgiven us, then we must help our daughters to see just how much we have been forgiven (if they are believers).  When they recognize their own need for constant forgiveness, then and only then, can they freely forgive those who hurt them.

Teach them to be kind, thoughtful and intentional in their friendships. Encourage thoughtful giving, and intentionality in pursuing friendships. I try to encourage my girls to not just wait to be invited over, but to be proactive in maintaining their connections with friends.  I have also started to encourage them to be friends with those on the outside, and to actively pursue those who may not be connected to the “in” group.  A sweet lady who leads our bible study said that she always tells her children to, “look to the fringes” for friendships that are less obvious, but may end up being quite rich (obviously a lesson to us grown ups as well)!  Clearly Jesus looked to the fringes, and did not think too highly of himself (although He could have) to eat with tax collectors and sinners.  I have just recently begun to encourage my girls to do the same.

Our daughters will be hurt, and will probably end up hurting others through the course of their lives. Friendships can be difficult and messy.  But, God uses friends to bless us in immeasurable ways, including our own sanctification.  My prayer is that I would be a good model of a godly friend, that my girls would be godly friends,  and that they would wisely choose who their close friends would be!

How about you?  How do you help your daughters to see Godly friendships?  How do you encourage them to be a godly friend? How do you help them navigate the sometimes rough waters of friendship?

Danielle is a wife, working mother, friend, special educator, gymnastics instructor, coffee drinker, music listener, t.v. watcher, book reader, and a continual work in process as a follower of Christ. She writes about the journey through adoption, parenting, day to day life, and faith at This Life I Live

Danielle

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