Bringing Up Girls :: Book Club {post three}

Sigh.  These were hard chapters for me to read.  3 out of 4 of them talk to the important role a dad plays in a young girls life.

The last time I saw my real father, I was 9 years old.  And the last words he ever spoke to my sister and I were, “You’re not my girls anymore.”  As difficult as you can imagine that to be … all wasn’t lost, as we were blessed with an incredible man when my mom remarried a few years later.  Of course, I didn’t see our immediate blessing in the situation, but as I grew, I began to understand how much my “dad” loved me.

He was older and already had children of his own, so we didn’t share a lot of the intimate and important relationship building things that Dr. Dobson talks about in these chapters.  But one thing was clear … and that is his love for us.  Along with that, and the unwavering, unconditional love of our mom … my sis and I made it just fine.

My immediate heartache though, lies with my oldest.  Her father and I divorced when she was 3.  And while she still sees her father and talks to him regularly and he’s a good man and loves her with all his heart.  There are some key relationship factors missing.  One, he lives out of town.  Two, he’s not saved.  Three, he completely underestimates how significant he is in her life.  My heartache goes even deeper though … with the current relationship she shares with her stepfather.  My husband.  Who also isn’t saved.  And who also underestimates {no matter how often I try to share with him} how significant he is in her life.

Well.  I could write forever about that subject … but I’m guessing you’re here for our third book club discussion on “Bringing Up Girls.”  My only point is that I know the pain of not having a father.  And also seeing my daughter struggle through life without a father figure.  I’d love to encourage you to share this post with your husbands and show them just how strongly an impact they have in their daughters lives.

So … without further adieu, let’s get on with it, shall we?

Chapter 7 :: Girls and Their Mothers
I think it goes without saying that we, as mothers, know how important we are in our girls lives.

Dr. Dobson says, “Despite stressful times for mothers and daughters, staying in touch with each child emotionally should be a matter of the highest priority … Your children’s successes or failures in many of life’s endeavors will depend on the quality of the relationships you share during their childhood years.”

This chapter goes into detail about “attachment theory.”  It’s so important … the bond and nurturing that happens between a mother and daughter in the early years of her life.  {If you don’t have the book … I so encourage you to get it, as I eat up every word and easily could share it with you, but then I’d also be writing a book here!} Anyway.  Here’s the “nub” of it:  “in a sense, all of a girl’s childhood should be thought of as a ‘critical period’ in the relationship with her mother.  If a proper linkage fails to develop between them, the daughter will be affected negatively, some girls more than others, by what was missed.”

This chapter also discusses the importance of mother’s being home to raise and nurture their children.  It’s acknowledged that sometimes it just isn’t possible, but Dr. Dobson has this to say, “It comes down to this: kids thrive in an environment of order, vigilance, and close supervision, which is very difficult to provide by those who come home every night exhausted, distracted, and frazzled.”

The chapter closes out with advice on why you can’t … and shouldn’t be best friends with your children.  I’ll close with a couple of key points:

• Children need firm leadership from the moment of birth onward, and it is cruel to deprive them of it.
• From Dr. Nancy Snyderman, “After your daughter gets through adolescence, you then earn the right to morph into a friendship.”
• You will not destroy your mother-child attachment by actively leading that child!
• Adults who are tentative and lacking in confidence {in disciplining their children} often end up being despised by their children.
• Affection and discipline counterbalance each other, leading to greater bonding.
• The Creator of families knows your needs and offers His care and concern.  Ask and you will receive!

Chapter 8 :: Young Women Talk About Their Fathers
Here’s the point where you get your husband!

As he was writing this book, Dr. Dobson spent some time interacting with a group of young women {students} at the Focus Leadership Institute.  “Though the students were invited to talk about any related subject of their choosing, their conversations typically moved in a straight line to their relationships with their fathers.”  All of these are direct quotes from this conversation:

• My father was a good man, but he was very passive and I just wish he would have set a lot more boundaries and given me more critical input.
• I was never with him one-on-one.  I guess that’s why I was always reaching for him.  I chose to participate in sports that I thought my dad would be interested in.
• No matter how much your mom affirms you as a child, she can’t compensate fully if something is missing in your relationship with your dad.
• Now I think of him as a “mission field,” trying to love him as Christ would, but not as a daughter should.
• He takes me out on dates often and asks me questions about my life.  He never talks about himself.  He’s made me feel so worthy and tells me how proud he is of me.
• When my dad started showing me how much he loved me, I realized how much God loves me.  I never felt worthy of love by anyone until my dad started showing it to me.
• I felt like I wasn’t worth anything if I wasn’t doing everything right.

And it goes on …

I’ll leave you with one last important thought from this chapter.  “A girl’s sense of self-worth and personal dignity are directly linked to what she believes her father thinks of her.”

Chapter 9 :: Why Daddies Matter
“There is a place in the female soul reserved for Daddy, or a daddy figure, that will always yearn for affirmation.”  Another amazing chapter … but I’m going to highlight two important facts from it.

“Daughters tend to be third in line for the attention of the man of the family … Fathers know intuitively that their boys require special attention, discipline and leadership, but they are often unaware of how desperately their daughters also need them.  Some dads apparently see this yearning for affirmation among girls as the exclusive responsibility of mothers.  The task of bringing up girls is often viewed as ‘women’s work.’”

It’s suggested there are two ways a father can connect with their daughters.  The first is conversation.  “Girls often feel abandoned by fathers who won’t engage them verbally.”

The second is touch … which also brings me to the second point I want to highlight.  “Hugging is easy to do when girls are young and they see their daddies as champions and best buddies.  However, with the arrival of puberty and evidences of sexual maturation, fathers often feel uneasy and tend to avoid physical contact.  Girls can read that discomfort with the accuracy of a laser.

What makes the situation worse is that younger children in the family, both boys and girls, still snuggle up to Dad and tell him they love him.  The budding teenager sees that affection and wants to cry over what she has lost.

I want to say to all these dads emphatically that your pubescent and adolescent girls are going through a time of great insecurity.  They desperately need you now … Your love now is critical to their ability to cope with the rejection, hurt and fears that are coming at them from their peers.  Hugs are needed now more than ever.”

Chapter 10 :: Fathers to Daughters
This chapter is an absolute must read!  Dr. Dobson quotes some quips and suggestions from “Father to Daughter: Life Lessons on Raising a Girl,” written by Harry Harrison.  There are 5 1/2 pages of them, but I’m going to share just a few of my favorites:

• Take part in her life now.  Don’t wait until she’s 15 to try and develop a relationship.
• Remember, if you yell at a boy not to play with a wall socket, he’ll either stomp off or do it anyway.  A girl will cry.
• Be prepared to watch Walt Disney movies with her some 200 times.  Each.
• Trust her mom to understand the mystery of little girls.  You have yet to figure out the mystery of big ones.
• Never, ever, make fun of her.
• Don’t forget that supportive fathers produce daughters with high self-esteem.
• Don’t tolerate temper tantrums.  Not now.  Not when she’s 15.  Your home will be more peaceful for this.
• Keep her secrets.  This way she will begin to trust men.
• Remember, society is teaching her its values 24/7.  You need to be more determined to teach her yours.
• Never laugh at her dreams.
• Don’t miss a recital, concert, play, or any other performance of hers.  Not now.  Not until she graduates.
• Encourage her to be kind.  Even to the girl nobody likes.
• Make sure she can reach you 24 hours a day.
• Once she begins to develop physically and sexually, don’t pull away from her.
• Remember, when you’re dealing with a 13-year old girl, for all intents and purposes, you’re dealing with a fruitcake.
• Teach her that sometimes God has other plans.
• Let her see, by the way you treat your wife, the way a man is supposed to treat a woman.
• Teach her how to look a boy in the eye and say “No.”
• Teach her that if she acts stupid to attract boys, she’ll attract stupid boys.
• Don’t let her moods or anger push you away.  She needs you now more than ever.
• Teach her to respect herself.
• Tell her she is the daughter you’ve always dreamed about.
• In the end, let her go.

Can anyone say chill-bumps?

If you’re reading along with us, I’d love, love to hear your thoughts and comments about your take-aways from this book.  Are you getting as much out of it as I am?

I look forward to meeting you here again on August, 19 to discuss chapters 11-14.  And if you’re joining us for the first time today, be sure to catch up on our first and second discussions.

i'm a child of God, mother of 4 daughters, wife to an amazing guy, photographer, blogger, twitterer, living with MS … and blessed beyond belief! you can chat with me here @tmstier or be encouraged here {tsj} photography

Tracie

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