Purity. A topic so near to my heart. I’ve been blessed to have a teenager that has committed to staying pure and she’s also taught me a thing or two in the process. Honestly, I’ve been lucky that it’s mostly her doing. I wasn’t too intentional in talking to her about this until she raised the issue and question of it. And she’s taught me that I need to be sure to be intentional from the start with my 3 younger ones … the start meaning … “the talk.” 
There is so much to be learned from purity. Self-respect, modesty, accountability, healthy relationship, virtues, moral principles … not to mention, as Dr. Dobson states, “Those standards are a reflection of His very character.”
Chapter 11 :: Cinderella at the Ball
Have you heard of a Purity Ball? “The Father Daughter Purity Ball is a memorable ceremony for fathers to sign commitments to be responsible men of integrity in all areas of purity. The commitment also includes their vow to protect their daughters in their choices for purity.”
Dr. Dobson interviewed Randy and Lisa Wilson, founders of the Purity Ball … I’m going to outline a few important points from that interview:
- There is a lost generation of girls out there that has resulted primarily from the absence of committed fathers. Many men are uninvolved and disengaged at home.
- {The} Purity Ball is about fathers stepping up to the plate. It is about setting a standard of righteousness for their daughters and helping them develop healthy relationships. Our purpose is not about controlling the girls.
- The Purity Ball is designed to provide a model for our sons as well, and to show them how they should treat the women in their lives.
- We see this as a means of honoring and treasuring our daughters. It’s a call to restore what has been abdicated in our culture and then to renew and reestablish the father-daughter relationship.
- Many fathers live with regrets, but God can redeem what has been lost, and that is happening.
The interview was summarized with Randy stating, “We are asking families to get on their faces before God and ask Him what He wants done in their lives, in their homes, and in their communities for this generation. I believe He will hear the cry of their hearts and begin to bring healing. And if God is for us, who can be against us?
Powerful!!
Chapter 12 :: The Obsession with Beauty
I loved this chapter! It was thought provoking in a way I hadn’t thought of things before … weighing the pros & cons of a “princess generation.” Again, I’m going to outline some of the key points that stood out to me:
- There are now more than 25,000 Disney Princess items
- Pink, it seems, is the new gold {in terms of dollars}
- Dr. Dobson’s daughter had this to say about why the princess fantasy is so captivating:
- Beauty
- Song
- Beautiful clothes
- Handsome suitor
- Rags to riches
- Happily ever after
- Dreams coming true
- To be a princess is to be considered beautiful, to be pursued, and to see all your hopes and dreams come true. Now who wouldn’t want to be a princess?
- When a girl sees herself as a princess, she feels valued for who she is. Being beautiful is just the icing on the cake, so to speak.
- She has the confidence to wait for Prince Charming to come and not settle for second best or a loser, no matter how long it takes.
- The princess movement helps to counter some of the degrading stuff thrown at girls.
- In a subtle way, Disney stories present a wholesome image of virginity until marriage and then a lifelong love thereafter. They also promote femininity, kindness, courtesy, the work ethic, service to others, and “good vibes” about one’s personhood.
- Will the girl who is wearing ‘Princess’ across her chest when she’s three be wearing ‘Spoiled’ across her chest when she is six, and ‘Porn Star’ when she is 12? {Dr. Dobson goes on to say this statement strikes him as ridiculous}
- Admittedly, however, life is not always a Cinderella journey … {but} there will be plenty of time for them to learn about pain, sorrow, and other intricacies of adult life.
- An overemphasis on physical attractiveness throughout childhood can create an expectation that some kids will never achieve.
- Dr. Dobson believes that the good outweighs the bad in the princess movement, and it is certainly better than Bratz dolls or the adolescent world of Barbie.
There are many other great points to this chapter and I strongly urge you to read them all! To close up this chapter summary, I’m going to leave you with this verse:
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Proverbs 31:30
Chapter 13 :: Related Questions and Answers
I’m going to outline only a few questions and answers in my discussion:
- Q: You said that girls and women have a lot of influence on men and that they hold the keys to masculine behavior. Sometimes I find that difficult to believe. Can you elaborate on why it works and how I can make use of it as I try to raise my own daughter to be a lady?
- A: Typically, a man needs a woman more than she needs him. In fact, she can make or break him.
- A: Commitment to a woman not only channels a man’s energy and passions, it also helps to produce a more healthy society.
- A: It is a wise woman who understands how a man is constructed emotionally and encourages him to perform the four critical roles for which he was designed … provide for, to protect, to lead, and to give spiritual direction for his family.
- Q: {I’m combining some questions & answers here} My daughter has a friend who has a single dad. They want to have a sleepover at her house. My daughter is eleven years old. :: What about leaving your kids with babysitters? :: A little girl wants to come to our house for a sleepover with my daughter during a time when only my daughter and my husband will be home. :: Why has pedophilia become such a serious problem? Are there really more cases of child sexual abuse now than in the past, or is the reporting mechanism just better?
- A: Except on occasions when you are sure that your child will be safe, I would not suggest that you allow your daughter – or your son – to spend the night in a home where there is not a mother you trust.
- A: I believe that the day for sleepovers has passed. There is just too much at stake to put children at risk in this way.
- A: I would not recommend leaving kids of either sex with teenage boys since there is so much going on sexually within males at that age.
- A: I would always err on the side of caution, not only protecting the child, but also preventing any damage to your husband’s reputation.
- A: {Predators} can spot a kid who is lonely in a matter of minutes, and they offer them the “love” and attention they crave.
- A: Once these creeps have established a relationship with them, the abuse is easy and lasts an average of seven years.
- A: Amazingly, the children don’t tell anyone about the abuse out of fear and intimidation.
- A: Meet the needs that make your children vulnerable!
- A: Let me say it one more time. I recommend that you take no unnecessary chances, whether during sleepovers, in the mall, in public restrooms, in neighbors’ houses, or on the way home from school.
Chapter 14 :: The River of Culture
I’m keenly aware that I’m fast approaching {once again} 1,500 words in this post! But once again, I plead my case that this book is full of too much wisdom to leave anything out! Please tell me you’re reading it for yourselves!!
This chapter offers great insights on virginity, modesty, and morality. Here’s a great summary statement for this chapter … “it is very important to understand how the culture is influencing their developing hearts and minds. We should never underestimate its force, which is like a powerful river that carries everything downstream with it. You can and must help your youngsters avoid being swept by the current into unknown waters. A primary goal of parenting should be to introduce your children to moral and spiritual values during the early years.”
Again … please tell me you’re reading it for yourselves! I’d love to hear from you … what were your favorite learning points from these chapters?
Please join me again on September 2 to discuss chapters 15-18. And if you’re joining us for the first time today, be sure to catch up on our first, second and third discussions.
13 Comments
I loved what Dobson said in these chapters. I love this:
“to be a princess is to be considered beautiful, to be pursued , and to see all your hopes and dreams come true. Now who wouldn’t want to be a princess?”
Hopes & dreams? Being worthy of pursuit by a WORTHY suitor? I want all these things for my girls. Flowing first from a heart that is captivated by their Lord. I think the enemy is just waiting to snatch this away from them the minute they truly believe it. My prayers and watchful eye are very important in this area!
Thanks Tracie for another great summary and refresher for me on this fabulous book. And the pictures….they are the best! Where will BUG be next time?
Stacey recently posted..Books That Pass The Test
{smiles!} the girls set up a scene for me with the book!
Tracie recently posted..paper ipad
I really struggled with the princess chapter – I admit that I was quite surprised that Dr. Dobson ended up in *favor* of the ‘princess movement.’ The list his daughter gave of why the princess movement is so popular and that Dr. Dobson seemed to end up saying are good things, are very similar to our reasons for NOT liking the whole ‘princess’ thing. Dr. Dobson states that “when a girl sees herself as a princess, she feels valued for who she is. Being beautiful is just the icing on the cake, so to speak.” I don’t feel like being beautiful is at all the icing on the cake in many of the princess movies – I don’t think I’ve ever seen an unatrractive princess, have you? Even if it’s not overtly stated, I feel message that ‘if you’re not beautiful, you’re not valuable’ comes across to our little ones loud and clear.
My husband and I feel that the emphasis on beauty and ‘happily ever after’ gets established in girls’ expectations, and is damaging down the road when they don’t look like a princess, or when their marriage hits its first rough patch, and they think ‘this isn’t how it’s supposed to be, we were supposed to live happily ever after.’ I don’t feel like we’re setting our girls up to be successful in the areas that are important when they are too focussed on the commerical princess.
I just have to say that we totally agree with the fact that our precious girls are princesses in our eyes and to the Lord – my husband calls the girls his princesses all the time, and when they dress up ‘beautiful’ we ooh and aah over how gorgeous they are.
Baby’s crying…
Would love to hear anyone else’s thoughts on the princess issue. I was just very surprised at Dr. Dobson’s take as most of the more conservative Christian speakers/people I have come across seem to be against a lot of the Disney-type princess obsession.
Dawn @ Two-Handed Mommy recently posted..One-size fits all
dawn, i was surprised as well when i was reading it. and also intrigued to see where he would go with it. there are 17 pages in the chapter, and i only summarized 5 of them … i wish i could write more in these posts, but it’s not possible.
are you reading the book? there are some good points raised about the opposing thoughts to the princess movement and seeing everything as a whole, really helps put the whole “thought” together. i’ll summarize a little more of it here for everyone …
“toys, books, cartoons, video games, and the internet each have their uses and abuses. we could throw them all out like babies with the bathwater and try to shield our kids from everything that is not perfect. the better approach, i believe, is to carefully scrutinize and select that which will be allowed into the lives of our children. our job is to teach and interpret for them what they need to understand. they will learn far more directly from us than from storybook fantasies.”
dr. dobson advises that parents do need to be very careful and that not every little girl can be “the fairest in the land.” and parents should recognize and respond with wisdom and sensitivity. he also goes includes an excerpt from his book “building confidence in your child” and it has some great talking points as well.
towards the end of the chapter, he talks also about the curse and pressure of beauty.
i hope some of this is helpful. thank you for raising the topic further and i look forward to other thoughts and comments!
Tracie recently posted..bringing up girls – book club post four
I am reading the book, I think I’m on chapter 18 or so…I had it out from the library while I was waiting to order my own copy, and then it was due so at the moment I’m without a copy. I was posting from what I remember out of the chapter, which is not the wisest idea sometimes, I realize. I know he did give some caveats about obviously not emphasizing the beauty is everything message.
I’m definitely interested in hearing other parent’s perspectives on this issue! Thanks for responding.
Dawn @ Two-Handed Mommy recently posted..One-size fits all
I love these summaries!!! I’m still early on in the book – but now I can’t wait to get to these chapters! I’ll have to come back and re-read these once I’m caught up!
Thanks for educating us all on how to be better mothers to our daughters.
Penny recently posted..Choose Joy Anyway
My disclaimer: I have not read the book.
I do, however, have strong opinions about the “Princess Movement” – many of my concerns are similar to the ones Dawn mentioned above.
Like she said, our daughter is a “princess” in our eyes and God’s – worthy of the very best. Though I might agree that they are less harmful than Barbies or Bratz dolls (both banned in my home), I personally see more harm than good in the “Princess Movement.”
First, I think the emphasis on physical beauty is incredibly damaging. For a long time, the princesses were all caucasian and fair. They have added some princesses of varying ethnicity, but even then, they are ALL ridiculously skinny, and well-endowed. What are we teaching about body image and what “beautiful” is? I don’t want my daughter to think that she has to look just that way (“perfect”) to be beautiful. There is no “average” princess, and they certainly don’t represent “the norm” in our population.
My niece, at age FIVE, put herself on a “diet” because she wanted to be “skinny like a princess.” Ugh. She idolizes Barbie and Princesses, but does not have a body type that will EVER look that way. It’s just not her build. What messages does this send to her? What does it do to her feeling of self-worth? Does she not deserve the “prince” b/c she isn’t the “right” kind of “princess”?
There is mention of beautiful clothes and “rags to riches” … what message does this send to girls who simply aren’t going to obtain that dream? The girls who have less, can’t get new clothes, can’t afford the beautiful dress? Perhaps it’s great to “dream” about a different life (an escape of sorts), but does it damage them long-term if their reality is so different?
Secondly, though I OF COURSE want my daughter to find a virtuous man to spend her life with (and will expect for him to treat her like the “princess” she is!), I most certainly don’t want her waiting around acting helpless until he shows up (nor betting her eyelashes and acting coy to get his attention). I want her to grow up to be strong and independent, fulfilling God’s plan for her life, regardless of the path that takes (with or without a man). And I don’t want her to think that finding her “prince” means that life will be without trials. He will not be perfect. He will be flawed and forgiven, just like her. Life will not be perfect, it will be bumpy and blessed. There’s nothing wrong with imagination and fairytale, per say, but I think the overarching message these movies give to young women is that they are not “complete” until they have a “prince.” I want my daughter to know she is “complete” in Christ alone. Christ alone will fulfill her.
A third issue that isn’t mentioned above has to do with how “family” is represented. Wicked stepmothers, evil stepsisters … certainly not a great message in an age where there seem to be more blended families than not. Oh, and don’t forget how “ugly” these step-relatives are. (I do not have a blended family, but I know many who do, and those who are blessed w/ step-children certainly don’t need any encouragement being seen as the “evil” stepmother.)
My third issue with “The Princesses” has to do with the over-marketing. I’m sooooo tired of seeing those darn girls on EVERYTHING. Ugh! I’m anti marketing to kids regardless of the character, but this area is wayyyyy overdone. I might not be AS opposed if I didn’t feel assaulted by them everywhere we go.
What I can appreciate about the princesses is that they are kind, chate, not overtly sexual … more than I can say for Barbie or Bratz. And, given the right environment, I think princesses can be handled in such a way that the seemingly negative messages they can send can be combatted and a positive message pulled from it all … however, my concern is that most homes will not be this intentional and it is left up to the child to receive whatever messages are to be found in these movies.
Phew … sorry, another soapbox topic for me. Sorry so long!
shannon, thank you for sharing your heart and thoughts!! you absolutely raise valid concerns … and i definitely agree, these princesses are everywhere you look. but like with anything … we need to take what we view as the good from something and leave the “bad” behind.
i agree with you … and something the modsquad team is trying to do … get moms and parents to start being intentional in their parenting.
i think the bottom line message for all of us is, we need to be intentional. we need to be involved. aware. and make sure that it’s us {with God’s help} shaping our children’s thoughts, hearts and future.
Tracie recently posted..paper ipad
This book is on my bedside table – have yet to get to it though. The purity ring concept has been bothering me for a while. I quote the Washington Post article: “Teenagers who pledge to remain virgins until marriage are just as likely to have premarital sex as those who do not promise abstinence and are significantly less likely to use condoms and other forms of birth control.” I pray that my daughter will stay pure, but I’m reluctant to go the ring route with her. I can’t control every aspect of her life, I can only love her, impart my best thinking, wisdom, understanding and values, and hope/pray we have done our utmost to instill God’s word. But we’re humans and we’re not blind. Honestly, how many of us abstained from sex until our wedding nights? If she does choose to have sex, I want her to be smart, to be in love, and above all, to be protected. I’ve seen it happen with girls from church and even girls in our own families. I see teens wearing purity rings with growing bellies show up to services on Sunday mornings. Bristol Palin is a rock star to so many girls we know. She’s a gorgeous, famous, conservative Christian teen who is getting a lot of press while preaching abstinence. But my girls don’t hear the abstinence part – they just see that she’s famous and gorgeous BECAUSE she’s a teen mom. I wonder if she wore a Purity ring…
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/12/28/AR2008122801588.html?hpid=topnewshttp://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/12/28/AR2008122801588.html?hpid=topnews
caite, thank you for sharing your thoughts … and i totally understand where you’re coming from. i was very skeptical when my daughter wanted to get one. obviously, i talked to her about what it means, but i wasn’t too quick to just get her a ring for her pledge. we watched a 4 or 6 session video series from lisa bevere {kissed the girls and made them cry}. and we talked about the pros and cons of wearing an actual ring.
i think every parent has to make this decision for themselves and their children. i think it goes back to really understanding your children. really listening. and really being intentional.
in the attached link/article … there’s one very important thing missing … God. He’s not mentioned once. I think in today’s society, with today’s children … you can teach/preach/believe in purity if you’re not also teaching God’s heart and character along with it.
that said … yes, we are flesh. we are sinners. and the enemy is doing his very best to destroy. some may fail … that’s a given. i think just because you’re wearing a ring doesn’t protect you from a fleshly desire. i believe it goes beyond a ring and it’s about following after God’s character. and admittedly, even with the best parenting, intentions, beliefs and desires … things can go other than we, or our children wanted. but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try …
Tracie recently posted..paper ipad
Agreed! Intentionality is CRITICAL!
(And I just realized I had two “third” points … haaa … was writing in spurts between trying to meet the needs of three kiddos, 2 of which were having a pretty rough day.)
I’m not reading this book (yet) but I’ve been following along with Tracie’s reviews. And my comment on these chapters does not center around the “Princess” part of it. When I read the review, one sentence stuck out, and I must say, it really had an effect on me — so much so that a day later I am compelled to comment. It is on this: “I would not recommend leaving kids of either sex with teenage boys since there is so much going on sexually within males at that age.”
I am the mom of a 10 year old girl and a 13 year old boy. So, I have perspective on both sides of this coin. And I think the above statement really “throws the baby out with the bathwater,” so to speak. My son — a teenage boy — loves to babysit. He’s awesome with kids. He’s responsible. He’s mature. He’s cool under pressure. Knowing him and many of his peers (male & female), I would choose him to watch (for the sake of argument) my best friend’s kids over any of them. It hurts my heart that people would look at my wonderful, amazing son, and automatically assume because he’s a teenage boy that he’s somehow a sexual deviant. I think the more important lesson here should be that as a parent we must carefully scrutinize ANYONE who comes in regular contact with our children. But I don’t think stereotyping is the way to ensure anyone’s safety. There are definitely certain teenage boys I would not feel comfortable leaving my daughter with. But there are just as many teenage girls — or mature adults — that I wouldn’t leave her with, either. It’s a matter of diligence and awareness.
Just my 2 cents . . .
Leslie @ {Tiny Wings} recently posted..Ten on Tuesd uh- I mean- Wednesday
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